Body language basics

By Marcia Jedd, President, MJ &Associates

(originally appeared in MSN.com' s Dating and Relationship e-zine in 2004)

People form impressions of you within an instant, often unconsciously. By gauging body language, you can assess if he or she is "just not that into you" or if they are really into you and want to get to know you better. You can shape a person's impression of you by being aware of your own body language, using it to match your feelings about the person, or to convey messages about yourself.

Ann Demarais, Ph.D. and co-author of First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You (Bantam Dell, 2004) says men and women employ similar body language to show interest: Smiling, eye contact, leaning forward and light touching. "If you tend to be stiff, you may send the wrong message. Even shy people who never talk can simply lean forward and nod to increase their likeability," Demarais says.

Eye contact is a compelling way to show interest, says communications expert Leil Lowndes, author of Updating: How to Get a Man or Woman Who Once Seemed Out of Your League (McGraw-Hill, 2004). She advises women in particular to keep their gaze on the man without breaking eye contact until he's finished speaking, noting biological reactions occur when we do this. "Extra eye contact can deliver an oomph and conveys your interest," she says.

Demarais recommends being aware of your level of eye contact. Men in particular may have the habit of "shifty eyes," looking around while talking to someone. "People do notice this and it can be a distraction," she says, noting research that found people are more positively perceived when they give longer, less frequent gazes. Conversely, people are liked less when they give short, yet frequent gazes to their conversation partner.

For both sexes, touch may simply have the greatest influence on how you’re liked and men in particular respond to it. “People get a warm glow when you touch a person casually on the arm or a hand even for half a second,” Demarais says. In one study on the power of touch, researchers asked shoppers to answer a questionnaire. In some cases, the researchers touched the shoppers lightly. When researchers dropped their papers, those shoppers who were touched were most likely to help the researcher pick up the papers. Male shoppers that were touched by female researchers helped the most.

Is he interested?

You met him and talked briefly, but is he interested? Both authors say open body language, including gestures like an eyebrow flash or smoothing your tie or lapel, can indicate interest. So does active listening. “Men can sometimes miss opportunities to stop the pattern of lecturing and ask the date their opinion,” Demarais says.

"If he's interested and confident, he'll look at you longer. His voice will be more excited. He'll be frisky, a little nervous, but in a nice way," Lowndes says. On the other hand, shy men may not have very open gestures or court much eye contact. “Smile appreciatively after a woman talks. Use laughter, joke around, but show appreciation and complete confidence,” Lowndes advises.

Both authors say the power of positive words and images we project about ourselves goes a long way. Lowndes points to a university study that examined how men react after they’ve been told about a woman’s appearance and then subsequently speak with her on the phone. “When told the woman was unattractive, the students were lethargic. When told the woman was very attractive, they stood up and paced the room,” Lowndes says.

Is she interested?

You like her, but is she interested? Women in social situations often display easy-to-read body language and use highly symbolic gestures to express how they feel. "When a man first enters the room, an interested woman may become more energetic and straighten her posture, even thrust out her breasts," Lowndes says. A shy woman might demurely look down and away, only to look up again within less than a minute.

“Any kind of primping is a big sign she's interested, or if she licks her lips," Lowndes says. Other clues she’s interested include sidelong glances, wrist flash, subtly touching her body or casually brushing hair away from her face.

Tricks of the trade

Both authors say men can be lured to a woman by her glances, but one study Demarais cited found men needed multiple sequences of eye contact and smiling to get them to approach. “You need a little extra coaxing for the man to take action,” Demarais says. She recommends mirroring a person’s body movements or matching rate of speech to endear them to you.

Lowndes adds, “A woman shouldn't worry about whether he looks interested.” She tells women to go ahead and make an approach. “If you wait too long, you’ll lose your chance.”

"Sometimes you want to send a message that you're not interested, so be neutral,” Demarais says. “Being neutral, whether that's leaning back, not moving your head or body, or not smiling can be perceived as a lack of interest.”